One of the hardest things to do is setting boundaries and learning how to say ‘no’. In this very connected world it can feel wrong to not always be in contact with other people, to not answer instantly to a message, to call someone back right away, or to even do every task on your list that day plus anything else that someone suggests or asks you to do. This is exhausting and a great way to push ourselves towards burn out. So how do we change our mindset to give ourself the time, and break, that we need and still feel connected?

I think the best advice I can give is a paraphrase from a book I recently read. One of the politest things you can do is only say ‘yes’ to things when you can give it your full attention and energy. Then when you do say yes the people in your life will know that it is an authentic yes, that you aren’t just there out of obligation or dreading it. It is polite to say no when you don’t want to do something.

Isn’t that crazy? That not only is it actually okay to say no, and healthy to say no, but it’s the polite thing to do! What a change in perspective and the more you think about it a relief. So this is a good starting point, knowing that it is okay to say no.

Why should we create boundaries? Because every one of us has a limited amount of resources and it’s kind to ourselves, as well as healthier, when we tend to stay within these limitations. And it is true that in order to help other people we need to fill ourselves up first. This means that taking care our ourselves is important—self-care is not selfish.

There are many kinds of boundaries you can establish: from reducing time on social media; only answering business inquiries during working hours; having an evening that is just ‘you-time’; reducing voluntary commitments to those that fill you up (if possible); having quiet alone time in your house if you live with other people; and so many more. Doing just one of these, or something along those lines, will already make a difference. Doing many could really change how you feel.

Now here’s the tough part—many of these boundaries involve decreasing time/energy/commitment with other people, and they may not like it that you have created these boundaries. Some people may try to push you back to where you were before you created these boundaries, stay strong. The more you enforce your boundaries, the more people will realize you are serious and respect that you have created them for yourself. If you need to, practice politely saying no to people to yourself in the mirror so that when it comes up in real life you know you can do it.

Another important thing to note is that when you create these boundaries you may find that people react to you in different ways. People are allowed to have feelings and their own reactions. That is totally natural. This doesn’t mean you have to change your mind about your boundaries. Make sure that when you explain your new boundaries that you are polite and respectfully tell them that you are doing what is best for you. Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and their own reactions—you don’t have to feel bad, apologize, overly explain, or make it better for them, it’s not your responsibility.

On the flip side, people are allowed to have their own feelings but they are not allowed to be mean to you about setting these boundaries, they also need to respect you for taking this step. If they are really not nice to you about these new steps then it might be a good time to step back and think about this relationship and maybe even setting even stronger boundaries.

You are not a bad person for saying no and setting boundaries. You are honouring yourself and honouring the commitments you say yes to. At the start it may feel hard to say no and stick to what you have said, but it will get easier the more you do it.

It can be hard to start saying no right away so you can start by saying something along the lines of ‘I need to think about it first’ so then later you can either say yes or no once you had a chance to evaluate. There is nothing wrong with not answering instantly.

Learning something like this can be difficult to do on your own. If you have any questions or would like support on how to implement your own boundaries reach out to me through email.